Over the past few articles I’ve talked about my season of cancer where there has been brokenness, waiting, and confession. There was still one more thing the Lord had to teach me before I could move forward: surrender.
My cancer treatments started in April 2004 and finished five months later. By the end of August, my body was a complete mess. The 37 radiation treatments burned away the cancer in my nasopharynx and lymph nodes, but it also burned my salivary glands and taste buds to the point I could no longer get nutrition via my mouth, therefore a feeding tube had to be inserted into my stomach. The five rounds of chemotherapy killed all the bad cells but it also did a number on my good cells. The living room couch practically became my permanent home as I sat and slept on it most of the day. I could hardly move. But the worst was over.
Over the next few months the Lord began to heal my body. My mental faculties were coming back to me. I could start reading the Bible again. I eventually returned to work little by little, working one or two hours everyday. But getting to a point where I could work, eat, and sleep like I used to was still far away.
As I mentioned in my last article I was the local instructor for Walk Thru the Bible and would receive regular calls from churches to do Bible seminars. But something unusual happened during my season of cancer. From the time I started my treatments in April 2004 until January of 2005, I did not receive one call for a seminar. It was as if the Lord was giving me a season of rest from ministry.
But God was also teaching me something. I remember it was February 2005. I was alone in my home praying. The Holy Spirit was revealing to me something that was not pleasing to Him. The gift of teaching, which the Holy Spirit had given to me many years ago, had become a god to me. He showed me the times I used the gift as a way to promote myself rather than give glory to God. He showed me how I had abused it and made it into something that was not pleasing to Him. He revealed to me how I placed the gift above the Giver.
I needed to confess. I prayed, “Lord, I give this gift back to You. I am sorry for the way I abused it and used it for my glory instead of Yours. If I never get to teach again, I am alright with that. My only prayer is that somehow You will still allow me to glorify You in my broken condition.” I truly meant what I prayed. By the time I finished, I felt the forgiveness of the Lord.
A few days after that prayer, my phone rang. It was a pastor from Kauai. He wanted to know if I would be able to come to his church and do a Walk Thru the Bible seminar. I began to cry. I felt the Lord had given me back the gift of teaching. I prayed, “Lord, if you are giving me back this gift, cause me to steward it well so that You get the glory.” One week after that call, I got another. This time from a pastor on Maui asking me to come to do a seminar. I felt this was another confirmation from the Lord. Therefore in April 2005, one year after I started my treatments, I was teaching again. But this time with a different heart.
There were two things I learned. First, I learned how much God loves me. He could see my heart wasn’t right and it needed to change. He wouldn’t allow me to go forward with a prideful heart. Therefore He gave me a season when my heart would gradually change to become what He wanted it to be. And He lovingly guided me through the process.
Second, I learned God is jealous God. When we think of jealousy, it usually connotes something very negative. But not with God. When God says He is a jealous God (Ex. 20:5), He is saying He will not allow any other gods before Him. This is a good thing. It reflects the need to make God the highest priority in one’s life. Because if God isn’t God, then something else is.
When I look back over my season of cancer, it was the worst season of my life but it was also the best season of my life. It gave me a new heart. It gave me a new mind. It gave me a new perspective. God was shaping my BEING.
Sometimes we don’t have good leaders who last because they aren’t willing to surrender what they have and who they are.
Questions to Think About:
Are you allowing God to be God, or is something else God?
Is the Lord asking you to surrender an area of your life you’ve been holding on to?
© Gary Lau 2013
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