We are continuing our discussion on the constellation of mentors. Last week I wrote about upward mentors; this week I want to address the subject of peer mentors.
Most wouldn’t think of peers as mentors but they can play a vital role in your mentoring life. Peer mentors are those who are close to your age, lifestage, ministry experience and spiritual maturity. These peer mentors provide excellent accountability because you know exactly what the other is talking about since both of you are going through similar experiences.
There are two types of peer mentors: internal and external. Internal peer mentors are those who are in the same organization or ministry as you. You both understand the ebb and flow of the ministry, you may partner together on some projects, and you see each other on a consistent basis. One of my internal peer mentors is Ed. He is a professor at the college I’m at. I met Ed twenty years ago when we were both involved at a church plant. Then he went to seminary on the mainland, returned to Hawaii, began pastoring at a local church and started teaching at the college. We’re about the same age, we both have two children, we both desire to edify and train the next generation of leaders, we both see each other in action, and we are able to connect a few times a month.
External peer mentors are those who are not in the same organization or ministry environment as you and you don’t see each other as much, but when you do connect it feels as if no time has elapsed. One of my external peer mentors is John. I met John a few years ago at a gathering in Los Angeles but we really got to know each other this year when he visited Hawaii to teach at the college and when I visited Los Angeles for a conference. John and I have both been mentored by Dr. J. Robert Clinton, fondly calling ourselves “Clintonites.” Whenever we are able to connect, it feels like iron sharpening iron.
There are three necessities to excellent peer mentoring: Chemistry, Comraderie, and Candidness. First, there is a special friendship and respect between the two. When you read the stories of Jonathan and David in the Bible, you can tell they had a special chemistry, a kindred spirit. Second, peers really enjoy being with one another. There is a shared interest, hobby, or discipline. Relaxed times together are just as enjoyable as serious times. Third, peers must be honest with one another. Greater transparency will be shown as the friendship progresses, therefore it is important that peer mentors spend time with one another. This transparency aspect may be the most important benefit of peer mentoring because it is not as easy to do with upward or downward mentors.
Not too long ago I heard of a pastor who had to drop out of ministry due to a morality issue. I was communicating with John about this, demising the fact that we don’t have enough leaders who last. I asked John point-blank if he was clean, meaning to tell me if there was anything in his past that would hurt the name of Christ or the Church. He said he was clean. This kind of transparency is needed within peer mentoring; the kind of candidness where the hard questions can be asked.
Charles Swindoll once printed a list of accountability questions. I ask myself and others these questions periodically:
1. Have you been with a woman this week in such a way that was inappropriate or could have looked to others that you were using poor judgment?
2. Have you been completely above reproach in all your financial dealings this week?
3. Have you exposed yourself to any explicit material this week?
4. Have you spent time daily in prayer and in the Scriptures this week?
5. Have you fulfilled the mandate of your calling this week?
6. Have you taken time off to be with your family this week?
7. Have you just lied to me?
For me, knowing that I will need to answer these questions to myself, to others, and to God makes me careful about the way I conduct myself. Ultimately, it’s not about answering these questions correctly, but about having a God-honoring lifestyle so that these questions become a secondary check.
A few last comments. Sometimes a small group can act like a peer mentoring group but it’s best to have a group where guys are with guys and ladies are with ladies for sensitivity and transparency reasons. Additionally, I would advise not having a person of the opposite sex being a peer mentor, unless it’s your spouse. Having a person of the opposite sex as a peer mentor is asking for trouble.
Questions to Think About:
Do you have a healthy number of peer mentors, both internal and external?
Are you able to answer the accountability questions in a God-honoring way?
© Gary Lau 2013
All rights reserved. This article may not be distributed, forwarded or duplicated without prior permission from the author.
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