In 2006 I was listening to Pastor Andy Stanley’s session at Willow Creek’s Leadership Summit via DVD. His message was titled My Best Leadership Decision and he later wrote about it in his book Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide? What he said caused a shift in my ministry mentality.
He said in his early days of starting North Point Community Church in Georgia he really wanted to make sure the church was successful. Therefore he did a lot of ministry: he did the preaching, raised the leadership, counseled people, and everything else needed to make a church move forward. If he was scheduled to leave at 4pm, but then someone walked in and needed counseling, he would take the time to meet with the person for whatever time it took.
However, there was a cost. The time he was giving to the church was time taken away from his family. He would sometimes miss his son’s baseball games or he would be late for dinners. His hope was that the time he was giving towards ministry for the Lord would somehow be balanced by God with blessing towards the family. His silent prayer was, “I love the church, Lord, please bless my family.”
Then as he was studying Scripture, the Lord revealed to him a profound principle: he was not called to love his church, he was called to love his family. He realized he was giving his best to the church and his family was getting the leftovers. His prayer changed. It was now, “I love my family, Lord, please bless the church.” In other words, he began to prioritize his time with his family. He would still give time towards the church but when 4pm rolled around, he would leave the office. If someone came in for counseling, he would say sorry but he had to leave, and advise them to make an appointment. He began to put boundaries on ministry and his family began to thrive.
As I listened to Andy Stanley, the Lord convicted my heart. How many times had I prioritized ministry over family? How many times did I pray, “I love the church, Lord, please bless my family”? How many unnecessary sacrifices did they make so I could save the world? The Holy Spirit convicted me. My ministry habits had to change.
Slowly I began to put boundaries on my ministry. I was committed to weekend services but I adjusted the rest of my schedule so I could spend more time with my family at optimal family times. Here’s what I began to live and teach: your first ministry is to your family; if your family fails no other ministry will matter.
When you study the life of David, you will see he was able to rule his nation well but he didn’t lead his family well. When his son Amnon violated his half-sister Tamar, David got angry but didn’t do anything. When his son Adonijah set himself up as king, David didn’t confront him. David’s inability to lead his family well led to chaos throughout the kingdom.
It’s very easy to see ministry as sharing the gospel or leading a small group, but have you ever thought about ministry towards your family? I’m not just talking about your wife or children. What about ministry towards the family you were born into? Your parents and your siblings? And ministry doesn’t always mean evangelism or edification. It means spending time with them, doing things together (that doesn’t always revolve around church), watching a movie together, building memories, and laughing. It also means being with the family during difficult times.
A few years ago I met a pastor who probably prayed Stanley’s earlier prayer, “I love the church, Lord, please bless my family.” Everything revolved around the lost and the saved…weekend services, small groups, sports, BBQs, early morning meetings, leadership training. He did this for many years until his family started fraying. First, his wife wanted nothing to do with church. Then one by one, his children rebelled in the home. This eventually resulted in a divorce and the children moving away.
This pastor was having an affair with ministry. Although he was married and had children, his real love was the ministry. He didn’t realize his first ministry was to his family. Because when he family failed, all his other ministries failed as well. He had to step down from the pastorate and move away.
Sometimes we don’t have good leaders who last because their first ministry isn’t their family.
Questions to Think About:
Is your time with your family a priority? Or do they get the leftovers?
Do you sometimes pray, “I love the church, Lord, please bless my family”?
© Gary Lau 2013
All rights reserved. This article may not be distributed, forwarded or duplicated without prior permission from the author.
Leave a Reply